Are you a fan of literally-straight-off-the-runway looks, ornate frames and somewhat correct English? Then please direct your attention to Anna Dello Russo's bloggy blog.
My amici Paolo from Dolce & Gabbana posted the URL on Twitter the other day and I have been thoroughly enjoying it ever since.
Here is the real gem of the site though, Anna as captured by Helmut Newton in 1996!
SO FUCKING COOL. She reminds me of Stella Tennant!
I want more of this ADR, version 1.0 !!!! What we need is a Hot Blog Time Machine...Can someone get on that? Yeeeeeeahhhhh theenks.
Last weekend Hunter & I eschewed 3D movie theatre surreality to stick with our favorite reality: Laptop movie marathons in bed. In my wine haze I agreed to a subtitled, taxidermied 80s adaptation of Alice in Wonderland called Něco z Alenky.
It was great looking but creepy as hell.
Except for Alice (and actually, sometimes Alice) everything was toys. Stuffed rabbits, marionettes, china dolls, building blocks. The white rabbit ate sawdust and he was so teethgnashy scary; this is definitely a nightmarish take on the tale.
WHY does this look always appeal to my interests so intensely? Will I ever outgrow a love for a kneesock and a maryjane??? Shouldn't I be over this by now??? (Please don't answer that.)
This was my favorite part:after she creates an ocean of her tears, a rat takes refuge on the island of her head. She lets him stay until he hacks off part of her hair and starts a campfire to heat up some hobo beans ("That's just rude, thought Alice").
I only made it about three quarters through before I was like OK, BASTA... I couldn't take the dreary weirdness any longer, although I do adore a pink pinafore and a fringe, obvs.
In conclusion: When I am old I will have a room in my house that will be scaled to make you feel like Alice after she eats from the side that makes you grow LARRRRRGERRRRRRR. (Pls see above for refernce) And I will still be wearing knee socks.
The duo of Gagaloo & Beyonce, Too finally (FINALLY) released the supervideo for Telephone and good fucking grief where do I even START?
Ok I will start....here. TEN MINUTES? Who has ten fucking minutes to watch a video? This shit is an epic in the fucking dictionary definition; my adult onset ADD does not really allow for focusing on something for more then 90 seconds at a time.
But I did it. FOR YOU GUYSand for the LOVE OF THE GA.
SO..in a brief sentence, what we have here is one a them "video movies" that were sorta popular in the 90s (Hellloooo Beastie Boys' Spike Jone directed Sabotage..which ps was still only abt 4 mins long) that is some sort of Kill Bill / Thelma Louise / Who's that Girl / 70s Lesbo prison porn mashup with chola eyebrows and Beyonce as a Vargas girl.
Allow me to attempt to run through the video and discuss Important Moments, the outfits (bitch has more major outfits than seems possible), the PRODUCT PLACEMENT (barf), call out some pop culture refereces as I see them, and try to understand what the fuck is going on.
LET'S DO IT.
Whoa whoa whoa. Someone loves the 70s. Or a "feels like the 70s"..much like in the aforementioned BBoys video:
or in the (totally underrated) Quentin Tarantino (more on his influence later) move:
Guess who else loves the 70s? THIS GIRL RIGHT HERE. So right off, I am kinda into this.
This, we are told, is "Prison for Bitches". As far as I can tell, it is very warm there, as even the wardens have their tits out. Gagaloo (in Jean Charles De Castelbajac) will probs fit in just fine here. Except for the fact that one of them tell her "SAY GOODBYE TO FASHION".
NOT FUCKING LIKELY, BITCHES. (I can call them that, as it is a Prison For Them)
Hey hey heyyyyyy watch the leather, man!
"I told you she didn't have a dick" Guess it sucks to have started a rumor about yourself that just WON'T QUIT, huh Ga? Well, now we all know.
Cut to the prison yard, our heroine in chains (by Viktor & Rolf) Time for some exercise! And maybe some fresh air...that is of course if she doesn't breathe in anywhere near her OWN FACE as her SUNGLASSES are made of LIT CIGARETTES (by Haus of Gaga, as if you had to wonder). I have to say, I wanna barf a little in my Diet Coke thinking of the smell.
[Product placement: The diamond headphones that she shills for are on an inmate rocking out in the yard]
Double barf thinking about having to kiss her at this moment, I mean..i can't. Thank god this chick is wearing sunglasses she might singe her eyebrows off.
I like that big girl in the back. She like...damn, now it's Burning Tobacco Glasses?! I just MADE this FUCKING HAIR BOW! Sheeeeeit.
PRODUCT PLACEMENT 2: A certain cellphone compant has their phone in her crotch. YEAH I BLURRED IT OUT, I AM NOT GETTING PAID FOR THIS SHIT.
SIDENOTE: Why would you want yr cellphone comapnay affiliated with a song where her fucking phone don't get her no service in the club? JUST WONDERING
SO MUCH IMPORTANCE, on so many levels. DIET COKE CAN CURLERZZZ! HAAAHHA omg that shit is so dope. I love it! But what else is this about? Is that girl representing a young Stefani Germanotta at right? If i was writing this for a dissertation I would compare this to the theme of twins in Finnegan's Wake...ok, no I wouldn't, I stole that whole reference from The Bell Jar I have never been anywhere near a copy of Finnegan's Wake. Point being..IS THIS THE TWO SIDES TO GA? Young and unadorned, new and covered in crap? WHO KNOWS, I DIDN'T WRITE THIS SCRIPT.
This is the most serious eyebrow game I have ever seen in my entire life. It makes Joan Crawford look like Whoopi Goldberg (get it? Whoopi HAS NO EYEBROWS). And obvi...the chola lip is so hot. SO HOT.
There was some crazy cat fight whatevs happening and then..HEY GAGA, PHONE CALL, BEYONCE´. First Madonna reference, to my overcaffeinated brain..Shades of Desperately Seeking Susan?
Stretch? Shut it, this is my blog.
The SONG STARTS. We are THREE MINUTES IN. God this is long.
Not sure what this almost naked skinny mini dance scene is about; I guess this is for those of you who force your boyfriend into watching this and at this point he is really ready to bail, but then this comes on and he is like oh..wait.
GAHHHHHH ! GAGA PUTS THE LOTION IN THE BASKET!!! (In Brian Lightenberg tape outfit)
PS, They show her with THAT PHONE AGAIN! In this get up! Where do you keep your phone in that?! (Don't answer that)
Someone bailed your ass out, lady (in vintage Mugler). I WONDER WHO? One note on this "glove": we have taken it as far as we can haven't we, Fashion? A glove is now reduced to leather bits on just four of yr five fingers. Basta.
By the WAYYY...madonna reference #2:
SO Nikki Finn! Who's That Girl! She wears red lips and latex and studded jackets and major brows and the wardens are hired from the same Man Faced Scary Dyke casting agency. You can't trick me, gurl. I am on to you.
See ya guys, my ride is here! It's...the Pussy Wagon? From..Kill Bill? What in the who...? Shit gets weirdly Tarantino-ish from here, why didn't he direct this thing?????
Hi Beyonce! Sorry, "Honey Bee". Nice bangs! They try to break down some deep shit here: "Once you kill a cow, you gotta make a burger" and "Trust is like a mirror...something something who cares this makes no sense". I don't know. Were you hoping I would unlock that mystery? Sors, I got nothing.
Um..you guys? Litering is really not cool.
So...now we're in a diner. And Gaga works in the kithen and takes the takeout orders from her brain with a bunch of produce queens dancing with heads of lettuce. This is the start of some sort of revenge death plot that we are never told about, where Beyonce is killing Tyrese with her d-eye-balls and a tiny bottle of poison, and Gagaloo is hosting her own Death by Sandwich Show on the bizarro Food Network.
This is the most delightful moment of the whole 985 minutes of this video. YAY! LET'S MAKE A SANDWICH!! (Whisk maracas!)
Shades of poisoning Heather Chandler! Blue liquids (corn nuttssssssss).
Where are we? Beyonce's haus? Why? I dont know, the editing in this musical insanity is caraycray. I know you don't care, but I would love to have my hair look lke this say..EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE.
Shit, she works hard for the money! She has to waittress here too?!? We are anothier level- Hair telephone eyepatch! Hair telephone cord!
Hmm. maybe I'm reading too much into this (why stop now) but...
...RIGHT? SORTA? YES.
Oh right.So..he dead. And like..other people are dead. Killer sammies. Homicidal bacon. Life-taking pancakes (I am just quoting from Zagats..this place has a bad rep)
We did it! We kiled everyone! We love America! LET'S DANCE IT OUT! Gaga looks like Daisy of Love dressed like Bret Michaels.
I HAVE COME SO FAR, YET I UNDERSTAND NOTHING.
Then they peace out. And Jai from Queer Eye is a news reporter and everyone is dead (Kalifornia? Natural Born Killers? no?)
Then they dress like bee keepers and dance in the wind. Then they pact a pact to run far far away and never come back. Then...
Oh my god, really? I DON'T HAVE THE TIME! TELL ME WHAT HAPPENS NOW!
Ten minutes and 6,000 screen captures later, what have we learned? Tell me in the comments, I am fucking spent.
thank you kylie for the screenshot heads up and thank you nicola formichetti for always posting credits on your blog.
Please raise your chubby spray-tanned peace sign hand, laden with a teenytiny LV purse full of what I can only imagine is gold dipped Zwieback cookies and a FisherPrice iPhone, high above your bleached curls and BLESS ME.
I am mesmerized by your Zen-like stare.
England is really kicking your ass in psychotic child rearing, LA. Mabes you want to CATCH UP.
Here are some pertinent photo references to undertand the above message:
I WANT TO START MY WEEK RIGHT. i want to bring you into my new weird world, and that includes SOAPNET's beverly hills 90210 reruns in the mornins with my coffee. yah. you heard me.
so let me say this: i, white lightning, would like to applaud EMILY VALENTINE as this week's number one brain space waster. emily valentine was first in the line of bad girls to shake up the 90210 gang for brief episode arcs, and i salute her for bringing actual fashion to a show that was supposed to be fashionable.
this was the status quo. it's not like E.V. had a lotttt of COMPETISH..i mean, what the FUCK was happening in the wardrobe dept? brenda is dressed like ralph kramden. (honeymooners joke? what???)
i have now watched the episode where she makes her triumphant appearance in the halls of west beverly oh, about, 6 times (i do what i want, jeals?).
sorry BRANDO, dylan already asked her out in the parking lot. go shove zuckerman up against the desk of the newspaper office, she was DYING FOR IT.
she gets a date with dylan, brandon, & steve in about ten seconds and shows up to her first day of school on a motorcyle, in a leather jacket and red lips with a guitar. the girls all band against her and call her a slut! jealous bitches!
haters! sidenote, if i had the wherewithall i would start a blog called "what donna wore" cause this bitch was crazytown times infinity. PROPS TO YOU, DONNA MARTIN. i forgot about your levelz.
the writers were def psyched on the creation of this character btw, the name "emily valentine" is uttered like 57 times in the hour.
the time period of this episode is roughly 3 days, i think. but the amount of outfit changes is CRAZY>in one hour there are just SO. MANY. i can tell you her absolute WORST one: this elementary school librarian tasteful coat ensemble she wore to the peach pit was hidz. this is a date with DYLAN MCKAY bitch, TURN IT OUT.
oy. nate was ALSO smitten with her, as well as david silver. i am surprised that daddy walsh didn't grab her ass while she was in the kitchen but that is more of a move for an ep of the OC.
dope. she played janis joplin songs on that guitar at lunch. HA!
brenda bitchybitched all over her at a fam bbq while she wore this...what up lissie trullie, i know what you watched last summer, and it was this episode, CAUGHT.
i love her big FINALE outfit the best...leatherdaddy hat, babydoll top, pearls, WHITE LACE TRIMMED BIKE SHORTS and black boots.
amaze. so bad/good. so NOW. haaa.
this is the only time the brat trio rivaled E.V. for fashness, and it's only because they dressed up like the robert palmer girls (you don't want to know the reason why...it's so inane. it involved a song parody called "addicted to clothes"...it's worse than you imagine)
hottttt.
changed my mind, not sparing you. here is the big finale. they "sing" this song instead, and at the end of the episode, brenda and dylan get back together. i'm sure i was SO EXCITED when i was 13 and saw this episode for the first time. oh youth.
