a post i never thought i would do

"Stefon" is the funniest thing to be on this show in YEARS (this and the first time he was on Weekend Update a few weeks ago. TEDDY GRAHAM PEOPLE anyone?)



DJ Baby Bok Choy.
I can't. Tiny ravioli hands? I CAN'T.
Brb, choking laughing.

PS...Did I really just post an SNL clip?
PPS...holy shit, you can make yr own clips out of clips on hulu!
PPPS...A Teddy Ruxpin wearing mascara

celestial

Yesterday we watched about 7 hours of Big Love. Which sounds pretty bad when I say it out loud, which is a pity because it was DELIGHTFUL. All caught up to the current episode, which was superweird in a season that is superweird, so much shit is happening I can't keep it straight.

A note on my absolute favorite woman on that show, favorite favorite favorite:

BITCH DID SOME CRAZY SHIT IN MEXICO.

SISTER LOIS HENRICKSON.
Oh... you thought I was gonna say Nicky? No, sowwy Chloé. You are 2nd (but a very close second, obvs).

Lois IS AMAZING. I am slightly bummed out that she is..softer this season. In her demeanor and her face. She is usually so sourpussed and overly blunt that I start cracking up as soon as she is on screen.

I live for a cantankerous bitter old Southern woman (please see Shirley Maclaine in Steel Magnolias:TOP BITCH. ps, she wears a fur coat with overalls, STYLE ICON), if you must know.

I would love to interview the head costume designer at Big Love to talk Lois Looks. She wears the ugliest shit but it is weirdly AU COURANT. Lots of army green and khaki, overalls and vintage coats. (My favorite part EVER is when she gives her floral vintage coat with fur trim to Sarah and says, "I want you to have this. It was made in America and it's got good pockets.")

She's not supposed to be fashionable, like at all. But as with most things that try to be outside of style, they sometimes end up being the most stylish (see anything anyone wears IRONICALLY in Brooklyn). Obvs, tons has been written about the "Mormon chic" of the show, it must have it's own blog somewhere. (I live for it. If you have a fuckyeahmormonchic tumblr, pls leave it in the comments!) The weird modesty and utility of their outfits is really IN right now...

Case in point? Socks and platform sandals! SOOO now and SO F/W 2010 !

Bitch is ON TREND, even when she's jailed in Mexico for bird smuggling and just cut off a Mormon kingpin's arm with a machete. (I wish I was joking) (Are those Korkease?)

muse

Monday nights have now become HOLY NIGHTS in Lighting Land, as Bravo has turned on a shining light in this dark dark winter...I am not just speaking of the delightful Kell on Earth & my spirit animal K Cutrone, but of my ab-so-lutely favorite person ever on teevee:  

APPARENTLY, ANDREW HAS NEVER MET A MESH HE DIDN'T LOVE

Andrew M. aka The Lord of Breathable Fabrics.

Andrew is like..a superbro glam fashion gypsy from the planet Mesh-ton.
If I was a dude I would dress like this, freals.

I ADORE YOU, ANDREW.
Please wear the one-sleeved tee to the Mara Hoffman show this Thursday, so I can see it in person?
Or maybe one of Mara's tunics with bondage pants?
Or perhaps a mesh bodystocking with one of yr flannels and brass knucks that say PEOPLES on yr right hand, REV on the left?
I will pray every night this week for this to come to true. 
Save me from FW misery, please.
 
Can't wait for tonight's episode, and how long til Andrew gets a his own dating show?

P FUCKING S.
I JUST HAD A FLASH OF BRILLIANCE.

What.
About.
...K CUTRONE on Millionaire Matchmaker? STANGER & CUTRONE, HEAD TO HEAD! ooomg. I would DIE. DIE!!!!!

WAit.
WAITTTT.

SCRATCH THAT.
CUTRONE & STANGER...in a Cagney & Lacey remake? Kicking asses and putting bitches in jail?? With sweepsweek cameos by Tabatha, as their Aussie friend in town with a special case that only C & S can crack? (For pete's sake, Bravo...call me. I have so many great ideas.)


Whew, all that genius just knocked me out. Gonna go lie down.

diversifying

Hey lurverpantses: I got me a new gig!
A shiny new blog over at The Sundance Channel's Full Frontal Fashion !

My first post is up! My lowdown on the Bravo masterpiece, KELL ON EARTH.
I plan to post over there about 3 times a week (maybe more for fashion week!), please bookmark it and make it one of yer usuals !

xo
WL

kellz

Dear Kelly Cutrone,

Please know that I have been wishingggg for this day since you first appeared on MTV and became the voice of the SANE: i.e. those of us watching at home screaming OH MAH GAH JUST SHUT UP AND DO YOUR JOBBBBBBBB YOU DUMMYDUM FAKE TEETHY BLONDIES. (Except for Whitnew, I've always had a soft spot for Whitballz..)
It seemed almost too good to be true; I don't care what's scripted or what's real or what is scripted real...I lived for every second.

Also? I read your book already and anyone who has that many references to the Goddess & a chapter on how life is better after 30 has made me a fan for LIFE. Are you taking on clients? Not for PR but to be a LIFE COACH? Because if you are..PLEASE CALL ME.

I pinky swear promise; if I have to cry i will ALWAYSSSSS go outside.




I don't think I can actually wait until 10 PM.

Yours truly and forever,
White Lightning

can't hardly wait

I will admit that I have not FULLY been convinced by Bravo's Launch My Line yet.
I feel it may just be a mater of time though, since I am a complete and utter Bravomaniac... apparently, I yet (until now) to see a show of theirs I haven't obsessed over [DEAR BRAVO EXECUTIVES, let me have my dream Ladies Lunch Roundtable with Tabatha, Kelly Cutrone & Patty Stanger? I think it would be ACES. We can call it "Love, Life & Hair: The Bitches Who Will Set Your Life Straight." Think about it, CALL ME.]

So far my biggest draw to the show is that I went to high school with Dan Karaty, who has the dubious honor of being the first person kicked off. OOOPSYYYDOOPS. Between this and The Housewives of New Jersey (which is set in Franklin Lakes, NJ, setting of my formative years) I want to say: GET OUTTA MAH HEAD, BRAVO.

But anyways.
Back to LAUNCH MY LINE.

Tonight, the (I am sorry to say but somewhat creepy) Caten Twins AKA DSquared will introduce the MUSE of the ep and of MY WHOLE LIFE, LADY GAGA.



TIME TO START TUNING IN.
Let's discuss it tomorrow.

the queen of the guidettes

Listen, GUIDOS are just one of our SUBCULTURES like all those craycray Japanese ones..right?

OMG, Snookie. Totes kawaii?
Guidettes ---- Gangura...sorta a fine line in my mind.

Recap coming, a truly enjoyable/horrifying two hours of television.

bust

nooooo cmonnnn, NOT COOL!



i mean wtf, tom colichz?! ruin my wednesday nights WHY DON'T YOU.

bye bye, ashley...i will keep my crush going strong. i mean really..call me.

the lady in the flesh

sorry bout the LAG in amazingness here brahs, i have been having INTERNETS ISSUES and therefore have been in computer rage.

let's catch up!

saturday was a RED LETTER DAY OF EPICNESS in whitelightningland..got 2 tickets to SNL rehearsals and on the list for the afterparty.

the musical guest was this lil gal named LADY GAGAAAAAAAA, maybe you've HEARD of HER? umm yeah, i was basically beside myself with excitement, i can't lie, dumb shit still gets me AMPED!



1. we had the duh-ooopest seats, front row center. everything was right in front of us!

2. we sat next to elijah wood? he laughed at the weirdest parts, i was like are we watchin the same show?

3. MADONNA SHOWED UP, not sure if you live in a cave or not (it's poss, reading this on 3G). she is VERY SMALL AND VERY SKINNY. and her face is not madonna anymore, its like an airbrushed photo or something. very odd.

4. GAGALOO needed about 6 people to help her to the stage for that 2nd song, the one with that gyroscopic metal sphere situation. hilarrrrity.

5. afterparty goss: GAGA ordered a pizza to the restaurant (DBGB) which maybe made me love her more. i was too scared to talk to her! okay??? she had TWO SECURITY GUARDS. also, she was wearing a black lace bra..as her outfit. amaze.

6.hotness report: ryan reynolds? totally hot. samberg: NOT HOT in person. seth meyers & jason sudeikis: seriously hot in person? my supercrush bill hader wasn't around, so i cannot give I R L review, but i love him anyways.

i like teevee, sue me

was i drunk (yes) or did N P H sorta kill it on the emmy's last night? totally made a snoozy awards show sorta..FUNNY? (um, except for that who jon cryer/toni collette win thing, i mean, WHA?)

anyways...the dresses are wayyyyy more important:

TOP HONORZ to bettey draper aka january jones aka icy scariest teevee mom for my FAVORITEEEEE dress of the night last night, holy crap.



SO hard to tell here but the bodice is basically an intergalactic plastic fantasia. so so cool.

the dress is atelier versace, her dress last year (which i remember because it was a reallllyyyy dope blue, avec pockets, win/win) was also versace...who is her stylist? very curious to know.

honorable mention/yellow ribbons for SERENA VAN DER WOODSEN'S MESSY HAIR BRAID!



i couldn't find a better pic, but i thought it was the dopest hairdo ever; as i had already declared superbraidenvy the other day over the models at WANG. like cooler i dream of jeannie (although i kinda think she is cool anyway).



right?

one thing though about Blakey, though–in HD her head looked like a powdered wig with a horsetail attached to it; wtf was happening? from far away though, best herrdid of the night.

closed doors

i finally watched the most recent mad men the other night and i like..freaked out over salvatore's wife's SLEEP THINGS:



i need this.
in my life.
like, yesterday.
d d d d die.

sleepytime babydoll confections, valley of the dolls oh nine.

should i just type those search words into ebay?

is that plaid shirt a nod to the crispy seattle weather or are you just trying to stay warm in front of the refrigerator?*

i'm in love again.


ASHLEY MERRIMAN of TOP CHEF is makin me palpitate a teeny tiny lil bit.
ashley kinda looks like zach beirut's tougher cooler older bro except ummm ashley...is a girl?
it's like when i watch the L word and shane makes me feel all funny. it kinda fucks with my program.



so far she has proved unremarkable chefwise but that means nothing to me..LOOK at her, totes hot tattooed brochef style, it's really getting me. sam mason, i am maybe over you?



i mean, you guys:



dying? DYING.

ps, i swear my weekend trip to seattle today was decided before i watched the episode and found out she is the chef at branzino in belltown...i SWEAR. i swear!

pps if you don't think i am eating there tonight you are SO FUCKING WRONG.

ppps ashley, CALL ME.

*wins for best use of clueless quote as longest fucking blog title ever. thank you.

five minutes in the closet with you

god i love when i find a vid with an old 120 minutes intro..LEWIS LARGENT talking about the upcoming film "reality bites" and juliana hatfield all ana'd and angsty...HAPPY FRIDAY, LOVERPANTSES!

...bottle's on the ground, are you ready now?

who's got cable?

you guysssssss SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAYYYYYYYY!!!

MAD

MEN



IS

BACK

why wouldn't you watch it?!?
everyone is drunk and smoking and boning and wearing hats! I LOVE THE SIXTIES!

pre-teen love

one of the TRULY great shows of my formative years came out on DVD last week.


hi parker hi. his shirt is very hussein chalayan slash christopher kane resort, no?

parker lewis can't lose was the other show besides 90210 that i would tape every week on my ancient 1970's vcr so i could watch the episodes over and over and over again.
it was a sort of absurdist slapstick-y teen comedy that broke the 4th wall- talking to the camera non reality stuff .
i was pretty obsessed.

i mean..i say "truly great" because it was so epic in my memory..
i think i thought it was superfunny.
i know i thought corin nemec was the cutest boy of all times.
OG crotchthrob.
proto bass.
approx. 18 yrs B.R. (before ronson).
ya know what i'm saying.

hold up, i just realized something:
my teevee star bone fantasies are always so CLEAN CUT while my IRL lust-targetz are ususally such dirty dirts.
what does this all mean.....?

basically nothing.
i'm just boy crazy.

team valentine

I WANT TO START MY WEEK RIGHT.
i want to bring you into my new weird world, and that includes SOAPNET's beverly hills 90210 reruns in the mornins with my coffee.
yah. you heard me.

so let me say this: i, white lightning, would like to applaud EMILY VALENTINE as this week's number one brain space waster.
emily valentine was first in the line of bad girls to shake up the 90210 gang for brief episode arcs, and i salute her for bringing actual fashion to a show that was supposed to be fashionable.

[sidenote: her best episode is where she gets brandon high on "u4EA" at a rave (hee!) and totals his car. but soapnet hasn't aired that one yet, so i am obsessing over her first.]


this was the status quo. it's not like E.V. had a lotttt of COMPETISH..i mean, what the FUCK was happening in the wardrobe dept? brenda is dressed like ralph kramden. (honeymooners joke? what???)

i have now watched the episode where she makes her triumphant appearance in the halls of west beverly oh, about, 6 times (i do what i want, jeals?).


sorry BRANDO, dylan already asked her out in the parking lot. go shove zuckerman up against the desk of the newspaper office, she was DYING FOR IT.

she gets a date with dylan, brandon, & steve in about ten seconds and shows up to her first day of school on a motorcyle, in a leather jacket and red lips with a guitar. the girls all band against her and call her a slut! jealous bitches!


haters! sidenote, if i had the wherewithall i would start a blog called "what donna wore" cause this bitch was crazytown times infinity. PROPS TO YOU, DONNA MARTIN. i forgot about your levelz.

the writers were def psyched on the creation of this character btw, the name "emily valentine" is uttered like 57 times in the hour.

the time period of this episode is roughly 3 days, i think. but the amount of outfit changes is CRAZY>in one hour there are just SO. MANY.
i can tell you her absolute WORST one: this elementary school librarian tasteful coat ensemble she wore to the peach pit was hidz. this is a date with DYLAN MCKAY bitch, TURN IT OUT.


oy. nate was ALSO smitten with her, as well as david silver. i am surprised that daddy walsh didn't grab her ass while she was in the kitchen but that is more of a move for an ep of the OC.

she shoulda worn this, this shit was hot...tiny tight mini and a david byrne stop making sense-esque GIANT jacket:



dope. she played janis joplin songs on that guitar at lunch. HA!



brenda bitchybitched all over her at a fam bbq while she wore this...what up lissie trullie, i know what you watched last summer, and it was this episode, CAUGHT.

i love her big FINALE outfit the best...leatherdaddy hat, babydoll top, pearls, WHITE LACE TRIMMED BIKE SHORTS and black boots.


amaze. so bad/good. so NOW. haaa.

this is the only time the brat trio rivaled E.V. for fashness, and it's only because they dressed up like the robert palmer girls (you don't want to know the reason why...it's so inane. it involved a song parody called "addicted to clothes"...it's worse than you imagine)


hottttt.

changed my mind, not sparing you. here is the big finale. they "sing" this song instead, and at the end of the episode, brenda and dylan get back together. i'm sure i was SO EXCITED when i was 13 and saw this episode for the first time. oh youth.



note the foreshadowing for uninteresting nerd shooting himself in the face!

ps: no, i do not miss having a job; why do you ask?

mini-madoffs & almost engagements

forget an 80s lily spin-off, let's revive the BLOODHOUND GANG (3-2-1 contact? anybody? bueller?) and turn gossip girl into a full on mystery/crime show.



i love when they band together and scooby-doo it!
remems when they had to help serena beat a murder rap?
(maybe the best "i'm chuck bass" moment so far)



blair is velma, serena is the daphne, nate is freddy, dan is shaggy and chuck bass is...chuck bass.

those meddling teens! they always get in the way of all the bad guys!

does blake lively hate having to play such a dumb annyoing character? just wondering.

highlight of the ep:
"i like to be the one doing the entering" ?! CHUCK BASS, ladies and gentlemen. chuck. bass.
so dirty. (i love it, i love it so much)

tiny heartbreaks: chuck looking lovelorn and making miss blair cry, and yet HE LOVES HER! OH WILL THEY EVER BE HAPPY? (this is where you fall back on the divan with your hand to your face and sigh)

what in the what: having your daughter arrested at the russian tea room (twist!)..chic? class act, lily VDW. classssssssy.

hilari-awesome: did anyone catch that on the gossip girl website they flash at the beginning, the headline for spotting georgina sparks at bible rehab was "OMJC" ? haaaaaahahah. ok, GOOD ONE, GG WRITERS! good one. what about omfjc? too far?

STERN SIDENOTE: where is dorota? STOP THE MADNESS!

i missed you, dorota.

GOOD MORNING BLOGGYBLOGTOWN
i don't know about you but this on and off relationship that gossip girl is having with me is making me CRAZY.
on one week, gone for the next three, back, gone, spin-offs..jeeez. relax.

how great was this week though?
even dan was funny!
let's start here:



someone in their writer's room loves a fantasy costume sequence, danghole.
blair doing a 'guvnah' cockney thing made me hide under the blankets on kat's couch, it was so mortifying.
IN OTHER NEWS: that hat is tres gaga-esque, and ANY EXCUSE TO GET MAH GURL UP IN HERE makes me happy. blogaga.



inconceivable stepdad is back! avec awesome apron! yaaay! please invite me next year?



how HIDEOUS was everyone at that table? dudes, i mean, i know that serena's boyfriend status is a LIFE ALTERING NEWS ALERT but like..this is a fucking religious holiday, mabes we can KEEP A LID ON IT until after dinner.
as a non-jew, i was terribly offended.

also offensive:



serena's nastyass rat's nest. what in the WHAT?! who approved this, you're fired.

what was this dumdum up to?



tell me again...why was LIL J at the van der woodsen's playing monopoly with that poorly cast uncute kid and a mound of sliders n' bendystraws? he can't get to DUMBO?
chuck confrontation over a year later..empowering or feeble attempt to provide peroxyteen with a purpose in this ep? you decide, dear readers.

SIDENOTE: lisa said lil j came into her store the other day and was, to quote, a "horrible creature". not a cute look, tay tay momz!

this whole situation:



was retarded.
first of all? why dont you RUIN SOMEONE ELSE'S SPECIAL EVENT with your own drama? why don't you? oh. you did. WAY TO GO.
also : yale, columbia, cry for me argentina, TOO MANY IVY LEAGUES. waaah.
when nate and blair make out it the most chemistry-less thing ever. they must loathe each other.



heartbreak? cmon. not really. chuck is your true love, nate is boredom boning.
serena's wedding / not wedding love affair with dude who broke up with girl 5 mins ago is like..baffling? what's the point?



intrigue? this part got very 24...as the last few seconds ticked away..ALL IS NOT WHAT IT SEEMS! do we care? unclear.

ohhh. hello:



hi.



hey there.
sort of a wasted chuckisode BUT:
"i'm a 17 year old billionaire with great stamina" was pretty spesh.

as a parting note,
i am not sure what to do with this:
"baruch a ta adon-ay dis mio" ??!? spangbrew? hebnish? WHAT?!
gossip girl is SO MULTI-ETHNIC!!

bang up ep, josh schwartz. theeeenkz.

so everyone:
what're your thoughts on the upcoming spin-off? are we watching or no?

wait, there is a god? is that possible?

JULY 14th WILL BE THE BEST DAY OF YOUR LIFE



mtv is FINALLLYYY releasing THE STATE on DVD!!!
holy effing hellballz.
i do not think i could be more excited about any one thing everrr.

v. v. timely, mtv! only 15 years late. bravissimo.

warning: michael ian black is unsure whether or not the DVD will give you scarlet fever. eh, totes worth it.

clearly i have failed you

how have i missed all of the episodes this v. v. important dramatic series?



for some reason i thought you could only watch these on verizon phones.
nopes, this thing called the "internet" has them all!!
i have failed miserably.
i must catch up, tonight, POST HASTE.

did you all see the commercial last night? COUNTESS DOROTA?

i need to get to the bottom of this.