Last weekend Hunter & I eschewed 3D movie theatre surreality to stick with our favorite reality: Laptop movie marathons in bed. In my wine haze I agreed to a subtitled, taxidermied 80s adaptation of Alice in Wonderland called Něco z Alenky.
It was great looking but creepy as hell.
Except for Alice (and actually, sometimes Alice) everything was toys. Stuffed rabbits, marionettes, china dolls, building blocks. The white rabbit ate sawdust and he was so teethgnashy scary; this is definitely a nightmarish take on the tale.
WHY does this look always appeal to my interests so intensely? Will I ever outgrow a love for a kneesock and a maryjane??? Shouldn't I be over this by now??? (Please don't answer that.)
This was my favorite part:after she creates an ocean of her tears, a rat takes refuge on the island of her head. She lets him stay until he hacks off part of her hair and starts a campfire to heat up some hobo beans ("That's just rude, thought Alice").
I only made it about three quarters through before I was like OK, BASTA... I couldn't take the dreary weirdness any longer, although I do adore a pink pinafore and a fringe, obvs.
In conclusion: When I am old I will have a room in my house that will be scaled to make you feel like Alice after she eats from the side that makes you grow LARRRRRGERRRRRRR. (Pls see above for refernce) And I will still be wearing knee socks.
The duo of Gagaloo & Beyonce, Too finally (FINALLY) released the supervideo for Telephone and good fucking grief where do I even START?
Ok I will start....here. TEN MINUTES? Who has ten fucking minutes to watch a video? This shit is an epic in the fucking dictionary definition; my adult onset ADD does not really allow for focusing on something for more then 90 seconds at a time.
But I did it. FOR YOU GUYSand for the LOVE OF THE GA.
SO..in a brief sentence, what we have here is one a them "video movies" that were sorta popular in the 90s (Hellloooo Beastie Boys' Spike Jone directed Sabotage..which ps was still only abt 4 mins long) that is some sort of Kill Bill / Thelma Louise / Who's that Girl / 70s Lesbo prison porn mashup with chola eyebrows and Beyonce as a Vargas girl.
Allow me to attempt to run through the video and discuss Important Moments, the outfits (bitch has more major outfits than seems possible), the PRODUCT PLACEMENT (barf), call out some pop culture refereces as I see them, and try to understand what the fuck is going on.
LET'S DO IT.
Whoa whoa whoa. Someone loves the 70s. Or a "feels like the 70s"..much like in the aforementioned BBoys video:
or in the (totally underrated) Quentin Tarantino (more on his influence later) move:
Guess who else loves the 70s? THIS GIRL RIGHT HERE. So right off, I am kinda into this.
This, we are told, is "Prison for Bitches". As far as I can tell, it is very warm there, as even the wardens have their tits out. Gagaloo (in Jean Charles De Castelbajac) will probs fit in just fine here. Except for the fact that one of them tell her "SAY GOODBYE TO FASHION".
NOT FUCKING LIKELY, BITCHES. (I can call them that, as it is a Prison For Them)
Hey hey heyyyyyy watch the leather, man!
"I told you she didn't have a dick" Guess it sucks to have started a rumor about yourself that just WON'T QUIT, huh Ga? Well, now we all know.
Cut to the prison yard, our heroine in chains (by Viktor & Rolf) Time for some exercise! And maybe some fresh air...that is of course if she doesn't breathe in anywhere near her OWN FACE as her SUNGLASSES are made of LIT CIGARETTES (by Haus of Gaga, as if you had to wonder). I have to say, I wanna barf a little in my Diet Coke thinking of the smell.
[Product placement: The diamond headphones that she shills for are on an inmate rocking out in the yard]
Double barf thinking about having to kiss her at this moment, I mean..i can't. Thank god this chick is wearing sunglasses she might singe her eyebrows off.
I like that big girl in the back. She like...damn, now it's Burning Tobacco Glasses?! I just MADE this FUCKING HAIR BOW! Sheeeeeit.
PRODUCT PLACEMENT 2: A certain cellphone compant has their phone in her crotch. YEAH I BLURRED IT OUT, I AM NOT GETTING PAID FOR THIS SHIT.
SIDENOTE: Why would you want yr cellphone comapnay affiliated with a song where her fucking phone don't get her no service in the club? JUST WONDERING
SO MUCH IMPORTANCE, on so many levels. DIET COKE CAN CURLERZZZ! HAAAHHA omg that shit is so dope. I love it! But what else is this about? Is that girl representing a young Stefani Germanotta at right? If i was writing this for a dissertation I would compare this to the theme of twins in Finnegan's Wake...ok, no I wouldn't, I stole that whole reference from The Bell Jar I have never been anywhere near a copy of Finnegan's Wake. Point being..IS THIS THE TWO SIDES TO GA? Young and unadorned, new and covered in crap? WHO KNOWS, I DIDN'T WRITE THIS SCRIPT.
This is the most serious eyebrow game I have ever seen in my entire life. It makes Joan Crawford look like Whoopi Goldberg (get it? Whoopi HAS NO EYEBROWS). And obvi...the chola lip is so hot. SO HOT.
There was some crazy cat fight whatevs happening and then..HEY GAGA, PHONE CALL, BEYONCE´. First Madonna reference, to my overcaffeinated brain..Shades of Desperately Seeking Susan?
Stretch? Shut it, this is my blog.
The SONG STARTS. We are THREE MINUTES IN. God this is long.
Not sure what this almost naked skinny mini dance scene is about; I guess this is for those of you who force your boyfriend into watching this and at this point he is really ready to bail, but then this comes on and he is like oh..wait.
GAHHHHHH ! GAGA PUTS THE LOTION IN THE BASKET!!! (In Brian Lightenberg tape outfit)
PS, They show her with THAT PHONE AGAIN! In this get up! Where do you keep your phone in that?! (Don't answer that)
Someone bailed your ass out, lady (in vintage Mugler). I WONDER WHO? One note on this "glove": we have taken it as far as we can haven't we, Fashion? A glove is now reduced to leather bits on just four of yr five fingers. Basta.
By the WAYYY...madonna reference #2:
SO Nikki Finn! Who's That Girl! She wears red lips and latex and studded jackets and major brows and the wardens are hired from the same Man Faced Scary Dyke casting agency. You can't trick me, gurl. I am on to you.
See ya guys, my ride is here! It's...the Pussy Wagon? From..Kill Bill? What in the who...? Shit gets weirdly Tarantino-ish from here, why didn't he direct this thing?????
Hi Beyonce! Sorry, "Honey Bee". Nice bangs! They try to break down some deep shit here: "Once you kill a cow, you gotta make a burger" and "Trust is like a mirror...something something who cares this makes no sense". I don't know. Were you hoping I would unlock that mystery? Sors, I got nothing.
Um..you guys? Litering is really not cool.
So...now we're in a diner. And Gaga works in the kithen and takes the takeout orders from her brain with a bunch of produce queens dancing with heads of lettuce. This is the start of some sort of revenge death plot that we are never told about, where Beyonce is killing Tyrese with her d-eye-balls and a tiny bottle of poison, and Gagaloo is hosting her own Death by Sandwich Show on the bizarro Food Network.
This is the most delightful moment of the whole 985 minutes of this video. YAY! LET'S MAKE A SANDWICH!! (Whisk maracas!)
Shades of poisoning Heather Chandler! Blue liquids (corn nuttssssssss).
Where are we? Beyonce's haus? Why? I dont know, the editing in this musical insanity is caraycray. I know you don't care, but I would love to have my hair look lke this say..EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE.
Shit, she works hard for the money! She has to waittress here too?!? We are anothier level- Hair telephone eyepatch! Hair telephone cord!
Hmm. maybe I'm reading too much into this (why stop now) but...
...RIGHT? SORTA? YES.
Oh right.So..he dead. And like..other people are dead. Killer sammies. Homicidal bacon. Life-taking pancakes (I am just quoting from Zagats..this place has a bad rep)
We did it! We kiled everyone! We love America! LET'S DANCE IT OUT! Gaga looks like Daisy of Love dressed like Bret Michaels.
I HAVE COME SO FAR, YET I UNDERSTAND NOTHING.
Then they peace out. And Jai from Queer Eye is a news reporter and everyone is dead (Kalifornia? Natural Born Killers? no?)
Then they dress like bee keepers and dance in the wind. Then they pact a pact to run far far away and never come back. Then...
Oh my god, really? I DON'T HAVE THE TIME! TELL ME WHAT HAPPENS NOW!
Ten minutes and 6,000 screen captures later, what have we learned? Tell me in the comments, I am fucking spent.
thank you kylie for the screenshot heads up and thank you nicola formichetti for always posting credits on your blog.
I have new favorite movie. And you need to see it LIKE, YESTERDAY.
A TOWN CALLED PANIC, anyone?
HORSE, COWBOY & INDIAN IN THE ROLES OF HORSE, COWBOY & INDIAN
I like to think that if I had the patience, genius and wherewithall this would be the kind of movie I made if I made stop motion French language tales of ridiculousness, complete with attractive lady horses that wear purses, barns full of sheep in pajamas (it was bedtime, duh), a shouting farmer that eats a giant kitchen sponge of nutella for breakfast and a pig n' an octopus as BFFs.
I loved every second of it and I cracked up the entire time. I don't even know how to describe the plot..it starts with a disastrous attempt at a birthday gift for Horse and then...unravels from there? I love cotton used as fire extinguisher stuffs, shiny paper used as water waves, human sized butter knives for small plastic farmer's wife, the sounds of a hourse reading the newspaper and the patter of the sea people's flipper's as they (shhhh) STEAL WHAT ISN'T THEIRS.
The whole thing made me so happy..
I was lucky enough to watch it in my bed under a mountain of marshamallow duvet because my bf had a screener (read his review, if you are so inclined)..but if that is not your reality (too bad so sad)..it is at the IFC Center here in NYC until next Thursday! Please go see it, and then call me to tell me how much you loved it.
I've recently come back to my long-ago serious obsession with the movie Blue in the Face..have you ever seen it? it's a semi-improv documentary style film set in Brooklyn, sorta about this cigar shop run by Harvey Keitel? I am not decribing it well. it's so strange and weird funny.
whoa, Madonna! Remember when her face looked like that?
There are all these weird cameos (um, Madonna? Roseanne?) but Lou Reed and Jim Jarmusch (hearts hearts hearts) steal the movie.
Jim Jarmusch, longtime fake babymaker fantasy
I decided I need to go out and rent this IMMEDIATELY (also need to buy Truth or Dare, HOW do i not own this already, i am a failure). There is a bizarre segment on belgian waffles?
Take 1:38 seconds out of your day and get into this. I think this is how i feel about New York these days? haaa.
i don't think i know one person who isn't fa-reakkinggggg out about where the wild things are (except maybe..my dad?)...i am sort of beside myself with excitement because CHRISTIAN JOY is doin the costumes (um, if you are not FAMILIAR she is the stylist/designer responsible for making karen o look like 800 million insane warrior princess dollars every time she performs...)
spike jonze & costumez
she has done some bonkerdonk film-inspired outfits that you can BUY (if you are well-toned and have a flair for the DRAMATIC) at the urban outfitters pop-up shop...
kill the wabbit? i want a viking helmet!
you could wear this, why not?
neon fringe, sign me up
CJoy is on my list of ladies i adore, i mean anyone who whip up this little number:
...deserves my everlasting love, respect and devotion, doncha think?
hotface fever and chills and glands all swollen and um..general ATTRACTIVENESS.
i apologize for being MIA, on the internets and I R L, but...i feel like i'm underwater in hell.
BUT
i just got the sad news about john hughes and i can't believe it.
i saw the breakfast club for the first time when i was about 7 (my parents were pretty LAX on thewhole ratings for movies thing), when it came out on videoand watched it about 400 million times. i still know the dialogue verbatim (we all do).
like most of us that were kids in the 80s (old lady alert) the breakfast club, 16 candles, ferris bueller, pretty in pink, and my all-time fave: some kind of wonderful were like...on permanent VHS rolls. slumber party staples, afterschool imperatives.
i watched this movie every day in 8th grade. forget TWILIGHT, this shit is the realdeal highschool love story to crush out on, best kiss ever:
ps, 2 mary stuart masterson related posts in a row, and 2nd john hughes related post of the week? ...teenage regression much? (aka my whole life)
cher's hair in mermaids! god DAMN i want to look like this. like really really really. like now. like forever. if i actually knew how to USE a blowdryer & brush to it's full potential you best believe i would do this every day.
it's perfect. perfect perfection. superthick black bangs and waves and volume and 60s but not reallllyyy too ronettes for 09.
although what's wrong with the ronettes??!
hearts answer: NOTHIN AT ALL. so dope.
once again, all together now: I WAS BORN IN THE WRONG ERA.
samantha mathis' character is so hot....NORA DINIRO, new style icon. lots of long black layers and dark red lips. "the eat me / beat me lady" !
you COULD remake the movie for today, but make it about blogs? it all works, seriously...one kid's blog incites the boring minded vanilla brains of the small town teens to TALK HARD and then...they LIVE IT UP. and start their own blogs...wait a secondddd..treatment idea?! (gonna make my millionz!)
the b-side version of 'wave of mutilation' in the movie is what got me all amped on the pixies the first time i saw this (at age 12? what was wrong with my parents??
ONE LAST THING; how fucking OLD is seth green??! he was in the movie! as a student! it was almost TWENTY YEARS AGO! deal with the devil much?
