i don't wanna think anymore

The duo of Gagaloo & Beyonce, Too finally (FINALLY) released the supervideo for Telephone and good fucking grief where do I even START?

Ok I will start....here. TEN MINUTES? Who has ten fucking minutes to watch a video? This shit is an epic in the fucking dictionary definition; my adult onset ADD does not really allow for focusing on something for more then 90 seconds at a time.

But I did it. FOR YOU GUYSand for the LOVE OF THE GA.

SO..in a brief sentence, what we have here is one a them "video movies" that were sorta popular in the 90s (Hellloooo Beastie Boys' Spike Jone directed Sabotage..which ps was still only abt 4 mins long) that is some sort of Kill Bill / Thelma Louise / Who's that Girl / 70s Lesbo prison porn mashup with chola eyebrows and Beyonce as a Vargas girl.

Allow me to attempt to run through the video and discuss Important Moments, the outfits (bitch has more major outfits than seems possible), the PRODUCT PLACEMENT (barf), call out some pop culture refereces as I see them, and try to understand what the fuck is going on.

 LET'S DO IT.

Whoa whoa whoa.
Someone loves the 70s.
Or a "feels like the 70s"..much like  in the aforementioned BBoys video:

or in the (totally underrated) Quentin Tarantino (more on his influence later) move:

Guess who else loves the 70s? THIS GIRL RIGHT HERE. So right off, I am kinda into this.

This, we are told, is "Prison for Bitches". As far as I can tell,  it is very warm there, as even the wardens have their tits out. Gagaloo (in Jean Charles De Castelbajac) will probs fit in just fine here. Except for the fact that one of them tell her "SAY GOODBYE TO FASHION".

NOT FUCKING LIKELY, BITCHES. (I can call them that, as it is a Prison For Them)

Hey hey heyyyyyy watch the leather, man!

"I told you she didn't have a dick" Guess it sucks to have started a rumor about yourself that just WON'T QUIT, huh Ga? Well, now we all know.

Cut to the prison yard, our heroine in chains (by Viktor & Rolf)
Time for some exercise! And maybe some fresh air...that is of course if she doesn't breathe in anywhere near her OWN FACE as her SUNGLASSES are made of LIT CIGARETTES (by Haus of Gaga, as if you had to wonder). I have to say, I wanna barf a little in my Diet Coke thinking of the smell.

[Product placement: The diamond headphones that she shills for are on an inmate rocking out in the yard]

Double barf thinking about having to kiss her at this moment, I mean..i can't. Thank god this chick is wearing sunglasses she might singe her eyebrows off.

I like that big girl in the back. She like...damn, now it's Burning Tobacco Glasses?! I just MADE this FUCKING HAIR BOW! Sheeeeeit.

PRODUCT PLACEMENT 2: A certain cellphone compant has their phone in her crotch. YEAH I BLURRED IT OUT, I AM NOT GETTING PAID FOR THIS SHIT.

SIDENOTE: Why would you want yr cellphone comapnay affiliated with a song where her fucking phone don't get her no service in the club? JUST WONDERING

SO MUCH IMPORTANCE, on so many levels. DIET COKE CAN CURLERZZZ! HAAAHHA omg that shit is so dope. I love it!
But what else is this about? Is that girl representing a young Stefani Germanotta at right? If i was writing this for a dissertation I would compare this to the theme of twins in Finnegan's Wake...ok, no I wouldn't,  I stole that whole reference from The Bell Jar I have never been anywhere near a copy of Finnegan's Wake.
Point being..IS THIS THE TWO SIDES TO GA? Young and unadorned, new and covered in crap?
WHO KNOWS, I DIDN'T WRITE THIS SCRIPT.

This is the most serious eyebrow game I have ever seen in my entire life. It makes Joan Crawford look like Whoopi Goldberg (get it? Whoopi HAS NO EYEBROWS). And obvi...the chola lip is so hot. SO HOT.

There was some crazy cat fight whatevs happening and then..HEY GAGA, PHONE CALL, BEYONCE´.
First Madonna reference, to my overcaffeinated brain..Shades of Desperately Seeking Susan?

Stretch? Shut it, this is my blog.

The SONG STARTS.
We are THREE MINUTES IN.
God this is long.

Not sure what this almost naked skinny mini dance scene is about; I guess this is for those of you who force your boyfriend into watching this and at this point he is really ready to bail, but then this comes on and he is like oh..wait.

GAHHHHHH ! GAGA PUTS THE LOTION IN THE BASKET!!! (In Brian Lightenberg tape outfit)

PS, They show her with THAT PHONE AGAIN! In this get up! Where do you keep your phone in that?! (Don't answer that)

Someone bailed your ass out, lady (in vintage Mugler). I WONDER WHO?
One note on this "glove": we have taken it as far as we can haven't we, Fashion? A glove is now reduced to leather bits on just four of yr five fingers. Basta.

By the WAYYY...madonna reference #2:

SO Nikki Finn! Who's That Girl! She wears red lips and latex and studded jackets and major brows and the wardens are hired from the same Man Faced Scary Dyke casting agency.
You can't trick me, gurl. I am on to you.

See ya guys, my ride is here! It's...the Pussy Wagon? From..Kill Bill? What in the who...?
Shit gets weirdly Tarantino-ish from here, why didn't he direct this thing?????

Hi Beyonce! Sorry, "Honey Bee". Nice bangs!
They try to break down some deep shit here:
"Once you kill a cow, you gotta make a burger" and "Trust is like a mirror...something something who cares this makes no sense".
I don't know. Were you hoping I would unlock that mystery? Sors, I got nothing.

Um..you guys? Litering is really not cool.

So...now we're in a diner. And Gaga works in the kithen and takes the takeout orders from her brain with a bunch of produce queens dancing with heads of lettuce. This is the start of some sort of revenge death plot that we are never told about, where Beyonce is killing Tyrese with her d-eye-balls and a tiny bottle of poison, and Gagaloo is hosting her own Death by Sandwich Show on the bizarro Food Network.

This is the most delightful moment of the whole 985 minutes of this video.
YAY! LET'S MAKE A SANDWICH!! (Whisk maracas!)

Shades of poisoning Heather Chandler! Blue liquids (corn nuttssssssss).

Where are we? Beyonce's haus? Why? I dont know, the editing in this musical insanity is caraycray. I know you don't care, but I would love to have my hair look lke this say..EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE.

Shit, she works hard for the money! She has to waittress here too?!?
We are anothier level- Hair telephone eyepatch! Hair telephone cord! 


Hmm. maybe I'm reading too much into this (why stop now) but...

...RIGHT? SORTA? YES.

Oh right.So..he dead. And like..other people are dead. Killer sammies. Homicidal bacon. Life-taking pancakes (I am just quoting from Zagats..this place has a bad rep)

We did it! We kiled everyone! We love America! LET'S DANCE IT OUT!
Gaga looks like Daisy of Love dressed like Bret Michaels.

I HAVE COME SO FAR, YET I UNDERSTAND NOTHING.

Then they peace out. And Jai from Queer Eye is a news reporter and everyone is dead (Kalifornia? Natural Born Killers? no?)

Then they dress like bee keepers and dance in the wind.
Then they pact a pact to run far far away and never come back.
Then...

Oh my god, really?
I DON'T HAVE THE TIME!
TELL ME WHAT HAPPENS NOW!

Ten minutes and 6,000 screen captures later, what have we learned? Tell me in the comments, I am fucking spent.


thank you kylie for the screenshot heads up and thank you nicola formichetti for always posting credits on your blog.

top of the pops

You guys...is Princess Tiamamiamiamlamadingdongalong actually the baby Jesus? Or just the star of Jersey Shore: Babies? (like Muppet Babies, just tanner!)

ALL HAIL BABY SNOOKS. PRINCESS T'WOWWWWWW

THIS IS UNREAL. I CAN'T WITH YOU, BABY. 

Or maybe..I can? 

Bless me, my child. 

Please raise your chubby spray-tanned peace sign hand, laden with a teenytiny LV purse full of what I can only imagine is gold dipped Zwieback cookies and a FisherPrice iPhone, high above your bleached curls and BLESS ME. 

I am mesmerized by your Zen-like stare.

England is really kicking your ass in psychotic child rearing, LA. Mabes you want to CATCH UP.

Here are some pertinent photo references to undertand the above message:

 

 

Thank you for your time.

ADDENDUM

HOLD IT.
i have made an egregious error and THAT is in not including this picture in the met round up.
FORGIVE ME! i have sinned.



what in the name of KANYEEZY is happening here, riri?

whaaaat. what.
what?

i need info. like, stat.
who made this?
what happened to her soul glo curls?
was the glove necessary?
does she keep her wallet in the shoulder?
i sort think this is what the waiters at the met ball should look like, actually.
one last thing:
can i borrow the jacket just once?

that zebra carpet really challenged me

hoooolleeeeee shizbomb. forgive me, everyone. i have not gotten deep into the MET GALA slideshows until right now and i am kinda reeling. it was sort of the best one yet, mabes cuz i'd rather see models dolled up than lame actresses. that's just ME.

allow me to begin with the "kids, stay off of drugs" award which goes to...kate moss. or at least, this lady formerly known as kate moss:



it's kind of a bummer, isn't it?
upside: you look great marc! pants! novel!

speaking of fallen iconz..SOMEONE WAS AT THE LADY GAGA SHOW SATURDAY NIGHT (truefax) and is FEELING JEALLYBALLZ that she is not the #1 chameleon anymore:



mmmkayyyy madonna. mmkay. pokerface, we got it.
ps, gaga already wore those boots last week, sorrs.

more LV, in the most shocking of ways:



fucking crapballs, leighton. i am torn between OMFG, i toooootally wanna wear that TOO and uh..these pictures'll be around for a long time, know what ahm sayin? hmm. fencing it, fer now.

the SIT NEXT TO ME award goes to:



ALT. killing it, covering it, being it, living it.
wait is he smuggling someone in? is he fashion trojan horse? or the dread pirate roberts?
haahah. okay, i just cracked myself up.

MOVING ON.

i need to discuss this:



DR LISA, i applaud you. balmain gets one free pass from me and HERE IT IS.
question: what does she wear when you see her for a dermatologist appointment? avant shouldered white jackets with a rodarte legging? swarovski encrusted stethoscope? one would hope. FINGERS CROSSED.


debbie...is this a bea arthur tribute?


clogs? ANKLE? how racy!


what? no jangles? no color? no more mullet?
so low key, kan!! i was hopin for a crazy SOCK at least.


dear satan:
if i pledge my eternal soul to you CAN I LOOK 1/4 AS HOT AS DIANE VON FURSTERNBURG? at HALF her AGE? eva longoria looks so PTA mom next to DVF. top drawer, lady. love it.


AWESOME. (kristen mcmenamy! julien dy's!)


awesomer? (lacroix, sweetie!)


AWESOMEST.
"oh, this? vintage helmut lang. pants. messy ponytail. why? BECAUSE I AM STELLA TENNANT, DUDES. no more questions."


uh...i think jack white is kinda really hot. i feel uncomfortable admitting this. are you ok with it?

you know what else is making me uncomf? in a seriously fantastic way?



british boy(s).
oh. hello. hi.

did i miss anyone who was dopeshow?