i don't wanna think anymore

The duo of Gagaloo & Beyonce, Too finally (FINALLY) released the supervideo for Telephone and good fucking grief where do I even START?

Ok I will start....here. TEN MINUTES? Who has ten fucking minutes to watch a video? This shit is an epic in the fucking dictionary definition; my adult onset ADD does not really allow for focusing on something for more then 90 seconds at a time.

But I did it. FOR YOU GUYSand for the LOVE OF THE GA.

SO..in a brief sentence, what we have here is one a them "video movies" that were sorta popular in the 90s (Hellloooo Beastie Boys' Spike Jone directed Sabotage..which ps was still only abt 4 mins long) that is some sort of Kill Bill / Thelma Louise / Who's that Girl / 70s Lesbo prison porn mashup with chola eyebrows and Beyonce as a Vargas girl.

Allow me to attempt to run through the video and discuss Important Moments, the outfits (bitch has more major outfits than seems possible), the PRODUCT PLACEMENT (barf), call out some pop culture refereces as I see them, and try to understand what the fuck is going on.

 LET'S DO IT.

Whoa whoa whoa.
Someone loves the 70s.
Or a "feels like the 70s"..much like  in the aforementioned BBoys video:

or in the (totally underrated) Quentin Tarantino (more on his influence later) move:

Guess who else loves the 70s? THIS GIRL RIGHT HERE. So right off, I am kinda into this.

This, we are told, is "Prison for Bitches". As far as I can tell,  it is very warm there, as even the wardens have their tits out. Gagaloo (in Jean Charles De Castelbajac) will probs fit in just fine here. Except for the fact that one of them tell her "SAY GOODBYE TO FASHION".

NOT FUCKING LIKELY, BITCHES. (I can call them that, as it is a Prison For Them)

Hey hey heyyyyyy watch the leather, man!

"I told you she didn't have a dick" Guess it sucks to have started a rumor about yourself that just WON'T QUIT, huh Ga? Well, now we all know.

Cut to the prison yard, our heroine in chains (by Viktor & Rolf)
Time for some exercise! And maybe some fresh air...that is of course if she doesn't breathe in anywhere near her OWN FACE as her SUNGLASSES are made of LIT CIGARETTES (by Haus of Gaga, as if you had to wonder). I have to say, I wanna barf a little in my Diet Coke thinking of the smell.

[Product placement: The diamond headphones that she shills for are on an inmate rocking out in the yard]

Double barf thinking about having to kiss her at this moment, I mean..i can't. Thank god this chick is wearing sunglasses she might singe her eyebrows off.

I like that big girl in the back. She like...damn, now it's Burning Tobacco Glasses?! I just MADE this FUCKING HAIR BOW! Sheeeeeit.

PRODUCT PLACEMENT 2: A certain cellphone compant has their phone in her crotch. YEAH I BLURRED IT OUT, I AM NOT GETTING PAID FOR THIS SHIT.

SIDENOTE: Why would you want yr cellphone comapnay affiliated with a song where her fucking phone don't get her no service in the club? JUST WONDERING

SO MUCH IMPORTANCE, on so many levels. DIET COKE CAN CURLERZZZ! HAAAHHA omg that shit is so dope. I love it!
But what else is this about? Is that girl representing a young Stefani Germanotta at right? If i was writing this for a dissertation I would compare this to the theme of twins in Finnegan's Wake...ok, no I wouldn't,  I stole that whole reference from The Bell Jar I have never been anywhere near a copy of Finnegan's Wake.
Point being..IS THIS THE TWO SIDES TO GA? Young and unadorned, new and covered in crap?
WHO KNOWS, I DIDN'T WRITE THIS SCRIPT.

This is the most serious eyebrow game I have ever seen in my entire life. It makes Joan Crawford look like Whoopi Goldberg (get it? Whoopi HAS NO EYEBROWS). And obvi...the chola lip is so hot. SO HOT.

There was some crazy cat fight whatevs happening and then..HEY GAGA, PHONE CALL, BEYONCE´.
First Madonna reference, to my overcaffeinated brain..Shades of Desperately Seeking Susan?

Stretch? Shut it, this is my blog.

The SONG STARTS.
We are THREE MINUTES IN.
God this is long.

Not sure what this almost naked skinny mini dance scene is about; I guess this is for those of you who force your boyfriend into watching this and at this point he is really ready to bail, but then this comes on and he is like oh..wait.

GAHHHHHH ! GAGA PUTS THE LOTION IN THE BASKET!!! (In Brian Lightenberg tape outfit)

PS, They show her with THAT PHONE AGAIN! In this get up! Where do you keep your phone in that?! (Don't answer that)

Someone bailed your ass out, lady (in vintage Mugler). I WONDER WHO?
One note on this "glove": we have taken it as far as we can haven't we, Fashion? A glove is now reduced to leather bits on just four of yr five fingers. Basta.

By the WAYYY...madonna reference #2:

SO Nikki Finn! Who's That Girl! She wears red lips and latex and studded jackets and major brows and the wardens are hired from the same Man Faced Scary Dyke casting agency.
You can't trick me, gurl. I am on to you.

See ya guys, my ride is here! It's...the Pussy Wagon? From..Kill Bill? What in the who...?
Shit gets weirdly Tarantino-ish from here, why didn't he direct this thing?????

Hi Beyonce! Sorry, "Honey Bee". Nice bangs!
They try to break down some deep shit here:
"Once you kill a cow, you gotta make a burger" and "Trust is like a mirror...something something who cares this makes no sense".
I don't know. Were you hoping I would unlock that mystery? Sors, I got nothing.

Um..you guys? Litering is really not cool.

So...now we're in a diner. And Gaga works in the kithen and takes the takeout orders from her brain with a bunch of produce queens dancing with heads of lettuce. This is the start of some sort of revenge death plot that we are never told about, where Beyonce is killing Tyrese with her d-eye-balls and a tiny bottle of poison, and Gagaloo is hosting her own Death by Sandwich Show on the bizarro Food Network.

This is the most delightful moment of the whole 985 minutes of this video.
YAY! LET'S MAKE A SANDWICH!! (Whisk maracas!)

Shades of poisoning Heather Chandler! Blue liquids (corn nuttssssssss).

Where are we? Beyonce's haus? Why? I dont know, the editing in this musical insanity is caraycray. I know you don't care, but I would love to have my hair look lke this say..EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE.

Shit, she works hard for the money! She has to waittress here too?!?
We are anothier level- Hair telephone eyepatch! Hair telephone cord! 


Hmm. maybe I'm reading too much into this (why stop now) but...

...RIGHT? SORTA? YES.

Oh right.So..he dead. And like..other people are dead. Killer sammies. Homicidal bacon. Life-taking pancakes (I am just quoting from Zagats..this place has a bad rep)

We did it! We kiled everyone! We love America! LET'S DANCE IT OUT!
Gaga looks like Daisy of Love dressed like Bret Michaels.

I HAVE COME SO FAR, YET I UNDERSTAND NOTHING.

Then they peace out. And Jai from Queer Eye is a news reporter and everyone is dead (Kalifornia? Natural Born Killers? no?)

Then they dress like bee keepers and dance in the wind.
Then they pact a pact to run far far away and never come back.
Then...

Oh my god, really?
I DON'T HAVE THE TIME!
TELL ME WHAT HAPPENS NOW!

Ten minutes and 6,000 screen captures later, what have we learned? Tell me in the comments, I am fucking spent.


thank you kylie for the screenshot heads up and thank you nicola formichetti for always posting credits on your blog.

kkkinda busy

OMG IT'S HERE.

BRB, spending rewatching it 300 times and making an epic post.

OH PS THANKS STEF, MAKE A LONGER FUCKING VIDEO WHY DON'T YOU? Geeez.

i want to be your blow pop queen

Last night was..pretty major.
My dear dear friend Marisa Meltzer, she of the amazing new book Girl Power and my partner in FIRST KISS the zine, asked me to be part of her event at the 92YTribeca, What it Feels Like For A Girl, along with Emily Gould and Sean Fennessey and mynewfavoritegirls Supercute.
She suggested I talk about Lady Gaga, and really, who can say NO to that?!?

I said yes, got excited, then..the night before I had a panic attack and possibly cried a little and freaked out.
I HAVE STAGE FRIGHT! Major. Public speaking is SCARY to me! It always has been! Good grief.

But last night (after a whiskey) I felt..excited?!

Marisa was so composed, funny and brilliant..Talking about how COURTNEY LOVE FRIENDED HER ON FB (true story!) and then read from her book AND Courtney's published diaries.

Emily read a chapter from her forthcoming new book, And the Heart Says Whatever (currently reading it and I love it)  and SANG (!!!) Liz Phair's "Flower" with Supercute (note, as the super cute Supercute is a band of 3 delightful 14 yr olds, Emily reworte the lyrics to be TEEN FRIENDLY. SO funny. My fave part "I'll take you home and make you pancakes").

Sean, our brave boy in this sea of GIRLNESS, talked Nicky Minaj (sooo DOPE) and RAPPED HER LYRICS. 

I mean. You guys, it was so great.

I was last. I got up there, with a laser pointer (YES!) and a slideshow, with nothing written down...and HAD SO MUCH FUN. I wasn't nervous. I wasn't scared. Even when the computer wasn't working at first, I just rolled with it. I can't tell you you how I surprised myself...but I did. And it was so fun. I traced Lady Gaga's sartorial evolution in the past year (her rise to mega-fame), with school as a metaphor?

If you were wondering what the hell that means, here are the title slides for the 4 sections of my (highly non-scientific and largely ridiculous) discussion:

It made sense (kinda) if you were there.

What a night. Thank you Marisa and Emily and Sean. Thank you Supercute. Thank you everyone who came to watch us.

THANK YOU LASERPOINTER..I reallllly need one of those things for my every day, what a revelation.

ps, Supercute will be getting their own post this week. They slayed me.

the latest on gagalunacy

I generally do not watch the Grammys because...well because I am not my mom, a midwestern housewife or Taylor Swift's extended family.

But when Our Holy Vessel of Glitter and Pointed Objects makes an appearance, I TUNE IN.

TAVI'S TINY LIL FEATHER BOW SEEMS PRETTY REGS RIGHT ABOUT NOW, HMMM MR RED JACKET?

This was the first thing I saw when I turned on my teevee last night. I firmly believe that my entire life is better for it. 

Doesn't it seem like she is saying through her teeth "If that little asshole behind me sighs loudly and says I wish I could SEE ANYTHING one. more. TIME..."

I am also ready to offer my services as a COSTUME CLAIRVOYANT because THIS LIL ENSEMBLE from last night:

IT ALSO SORTA LOOKS LIKE SHE IS POSING AS MADONNA AT ONE OF THOSE CUT OUTS AT A CARNIVAL THAT YOU PUT YR HEAD THROUGH..ANYONE FEEL ME ON THAT?

toootally echoes the American Girl GAGA DOLL styled by me, my sister, and Darbie a few weeks ago!!

THIS WAS WAY TOO FUN TO DO

UNCANNY!

girdleloo

Attention please, everyone...WHITE LIGHTNING QUIZ TIME!

Do you have your scantrons and dixon ticonderogas at the ready? Mmkay, here we go.
What does this working gal:

...have in common with THIS workin gal?

Hint: APPARENTLY, they both love to shop at the As Seen On TV store at the Paramus Park mall.

Ok, ok, you give up?
They are both wearing...these girdles?



Yes, bloggyblogtowners. what I am telling you is that Gagaloo's costume for the AMA's is the same backfatsucker that is pictured in the above video. KYMARO x HAUS OF GAGA collaboration??

Amazing. Paging USWeekly/InStyle/ladymagseverywhere and their STAR LOOKS FOR LESS columns...Dress like Gaga for $39.99 AND look 10 pounds thinner! It's geeeenballs, really. All you need to finish it is some sort of excavated exoskeleton (free AND green!) et VOILA, you've got the LOOK.

PS, I am only half kidding about the Kymaro x Haus of Gaga collection..they could make some seriously dope bodysucking sheath situations together...some red lace bike short girdles, fake bloodsoaked bustiers, holographic bodysuits? Who knows, sky is the limit; Opening Ceremony would be all over that shit!

can't hardly wait

I will admit that I have not FULLY been convinced by Bravo's Launch My Line yet.
I feel it may just be a mater of time though, since I am a complete and utter Bravomaniac... apparently, I yet (until now) to see a show of theirs I haven't obsessed over [DEAR BRAVO EXECUTIVES, let me have my dream Ladies Lunch Roundtable with Tabatha, Kelly Cutrone & Patty Stanger? I think it would be ACES. We can call it "Love, Life & Hair: The Bitches Who Will Set Your Life Straight." Think about it, CALL ME.]

So far my biggest draw to the show is that I went to high school with Dan Karaty, who has the dubious honor of being the first person kicked off. OOOPSYYYDOOPS. Between this and The Housewives of New Jersey (which is set in Franklin Lakes, NJ, setting of my formative years) I want to say: GET OUTTA MAH HEAD, BRAVO.

But anyways.
Back to LAUNCH MY LINE.

Tonight, the (I am sorry to say but somewhat creepy) Caten Twins AKA DSquared will introduce the MUSE of the ep and of MY WHOLE LIFE, LADY GAGA.



TIME TO START TUNING IN.
Let's discuss it tomorrow.

hey mister deejay

One more day and then this strangest year of all years is over.

So without futher ado, and in no particular order, my favorite favorite super favorite songs of 2009.
A short list of the songs that got major play in my brainspace in the past 365- at least the ones that were new this year...I can't put Steve Miller's Serenade or The Breeder's Divine Hammer on this list, no matter how many times I've played them (and played them, and played them, and played them...)

If you have been playing along at home- all of these have been featured, and most likely hyperbolically exclaimed over, on this very blog. Enjoy.

KID CUDI Day N' Nite (Crookers Remix)


I listened to this song through almost the entirety of June, maybe exclusively. This REMIX is the realdeal dope version of this song, with the 90s danceparty breakdown in it. Glowsticks vibe.
It makes me think of perfect summer and Portland and happy days spent alone riding my bike nowhere. (lonely stoner?). It reminds me of the Vision Quest and Kat & Jillyballs & Cube & Kevin. It's my summer (I miss it).

GIRLS Lust for Life


Speaking of sunny days...This was another song I played all summer long.
Christopher Owens is the perfect representation of all the boys I dreamed of when I was 14; a River Phoenix/Evan Dando/Dave Pirner lovechild in floral leggings and flippy hair. sighz.
I wish I had a pizza and a bottle of wine.

YACHT Psychic City (Voodoo City)


Yacht makes me think of BDonns and our college dorm commune with Marisa in Portland in August..and Claire showing me some of the absolute best thrifting in the USA..if you don't mind the meth-y vibes. I also content that they are one of the best live shows you ever will see..ayayayayah

BEAR IN HEAVEN Lovesick Teenagers


The title alone kills me. Lately I walk around the city with this blasting on my headphones. It makes the artcic winds here way more easy to tolerate.

DAS RACIST  Combination Piza Hut & Taco Bell


Hey, it's my blog. I love this fucking jam. Jamaica Avenue whatwhat.

THE PAINS OF BEING PURE AT HEART Everything With You


How do you not love the Pains?!? Do you have a black heart? Do you not long to have the happy ending in the John Hughes movie, ever? It should also be noted that I went to see them play at Mercury Lounge in February wearing my DIYd Lady Gaga hairbow made out of hair that matches my hair and so this song makes me think of that; hopping around with that ridiculous thing on my head. This song makes me happy.

CASS MCCOMBS Dreams Come True Girl


I mean. Come on. This one may be non-dude friendly, who cares.
Did you get a mixtape with this on it this summer? I did. You didn't? I am truly sorry for you.
Listen to it in the dark.

SLEIGH BELLS Crown on the Ground


My deep love for this band has been well documented on this blog, and my facebook and my twitter and Street Carnage and the New York fucking Times.
...I think you know how I feel. This song makes me want to rage in the BEST WAY POSSIBLE.

LADY GAGA Bad Romance


When she sings I DONT WANNA BE FWIENDDDDSSSSSSSS...I die a little from hilarious true love. I need to meet her in 2010 or die tryin.

NEON INDIAN Should Have Taken Acid WIth You

Sometimes I see parts of my life in my head like a weird movie...this is part of the soundtrack of the 2nd half of 2009, for sure. I think it's a pretty sweet sentiment, really. But then again I am slightly demented.

ANIMAL COLLECTIVE In the Flowers


I have never been an Animal Collective fan but this album totally seduced me from the first listen...Merriwether Post Pavilion came out this year during a seriously dark notgood actually horrible period in my life (omg, I like, totally have those) and I think I listened to this record a thousand times. I remember walking home from the train at 5 AM in a snowstorm after another night of weird fights and crying with this on my headphones and feeling like maybe this should be the only song I ever listen to ever again.
I still feel that way...but this song makes me happy now. It's hopeful, right?
I still have a bit of a fucked up pavlovian resonse to this album tho, it totally makes me tear up at inappropriate times WHOOPS.

Other faves on megrepeat this year:
BANG BANG ECHE Fist Full of Dollars
CITY WOLF Where is My Mind (pixies cover) 
MIKA MIKO I Got A Lot (New New)
MIIKE SNOW Animal


What did I forget?

rah rah ohmahgah

This is what we talk about when we talk about GENIUS.

GAGA BARBIES. Holy fucking moly. He has DIY notes and turtorials on his flickr as well!
I am speechless and full of awe and envy. 'veik11', I SALUTE YOU.

Now you know what I want for Christmas.

thanks kara!

painting the roses red

When I saw the pictures of my Lady and that lady...my first thought was, "How absolutely DEMURE, Gaga!"

And really, it strikes me as nothing but LOGICAL to dress like the Queen of Hearts/aVictorian Satan worshiper/a very sexy deflated balloon animal when meeting the Queen.

But then I thought...Hmmm, she does seem a but PLAIN...what's missing, pray tell?

AH, OF COURSE. A SHAKESPEAREAN RUFF. Clearly!
What does one do in a full latex ensemble, anyways?

This, OBVIOUSLY.

My heart just keeps growing fonder and fonder of you, Steffie.

PS, If you should so desire (and I secretly do), the Lady gets her latex from Atsuko Kudo...maybe you should too?