i don't wanna think anymore

The duo of Gagaloo & Beyonce, Too finally (FINALLY) released the supervideo for Telephone and good fucking grief where do I even START?

Ok I will start....here. TEN MINUTES? Who has ten fucking minutes to watch a video? This shit is an epic in the fucking dictionary definition; my adult onset ADD does not really allow for focusing on something for more then 90 seconds at a time.

But I did it. FOR YOU GUYSand for the LOVE OF THE GA.

SO..in a brief sentence, what we have here is one a them "video movies" that were sorta popular in the 90s (Hellloooo Beastie Boys' Spike Jone directed Sabotage..which ps was still only abt 4 mins long) that is some sort of Kill Bill / Thelma Louise / Who's that Girl / 70s Lesbo prison porn mashup with chola eyebrows and Beyonce as a Vargas girl.

Allow me to attempt to run through the video and discuss Important Moments, the outfits (bitch has more major outfits than seems possible), the PRODUCT PLACEMENT (barf), call out some pop culture refereces as I see them, and try to understand what the fuck is going on.

 LET'S DO IT.

Whoa whoa whoa.
Someone loves the 70s.
Or a "feels like the 70s"..much like  in the aforementioned BBoys video:

or in the (totally underrated) Quentin Tarantino (more on his influence later) move:

Guess who else loves the 70s? THIS GIRL RIGHT HERE. So right off, I am kinda into this.

This, we are told, is "Prison for Bitches". As far as I can tell,  it is very warm there, as even the wardens have their tits out. Gagaloo (in Jean Charles De Castelbajac) will probs fit in just fine here. Except for the fact that one of them tell her "SAY GOODBYE TO FASHION".

NOT FUCKING LIKELY, BITCHES. (I can call them that, as it is a Prison For Them)

Hey hey heyyyyyy watch the leather, man!

"I told you she didn't have a dick" Guess it sucks to have started a rumor about yourself that just WON'T QUIT, huh Ga? Well, now we all know.

Cut to the prison yard, our heroine in chains (by Viktor & Rolf)
Time for some exercise! And maybe some fresh air...that is of course if she doesn't breathe in anywhere near her OWN FACE as her SUNGLASSES are made of LIT CIGARETTES (by Haus of Gaga, as if you had to wonder). I have to say, I wanna barf a little in my Diet Coke thinking of the smell.

[Product placement: The diamond headphones that she shills for are on an inmate rocking out in the yard]

Double barf thinking about having to kiss her at this moment, I mean..i can't. Thank god this chick is wearing sunglasses she might singe her eyebrows off.

I like that big girl in the back. She like...damn, now it's Burning Tobacco Glasses?! I just MADE this FUCKING HAIR BOW! Sheeeeeit.

PRODUCT PLACEMENT 2: A certain cellphone compant has their phone in her crotch. YEAH I BLURRED IT OUT, I AM NOT GETTING PAID FOR THIS SHIT.

SIDENOTE: Why would you want yr cellphone comapnay affiliated with a song where her fucking phone don't get her no service in the club? JUST WONDERING

SO MUCH IMPORTANCE, on so many levels. DIET COKE CAN CURLERZZZ! HAAAHHA omg that shit is so dope. I love it!
But what else is this about? Is that girl representing a young Stefani Germanotta at right? If i was writing this for a dissertation I would compare this to the theme of twins in Finnegan's Wake...ok, no I wouldn't,  I stole that whole reference from The Bell Jar I have never been anywhere near a copy of Finnegan's Wake.
Point being..IS THIS THE TWO SIDES TO GA? Young and unadorned, new and covered in crap?
WHO KNOWS, I DIDN'T WRITE THIS SCRIPT.

This is the most serious eyebrow game I have ever seen in my entire life. It makes Joan Crawford look like Whoopi Goldberg (get it? Whoopi HAS NO EYEBROWS). And obvi...the chola lip is so hot. SO HOT.

There was some crazy cat fight whatevs happening and then..HEY GAGA, PHONE CALL, BEYONCE´.
First Madonna reference, to my overcaffeinated brain..Shades of Desperately Seeking Susan?

Stretch? Shut it, this is my blog.

The SONG STARTS.
We are THREE MINUTES IN.
God this is long.

Not sure what this almost naked skinny mini dance scene is about; I guess this is for those of you who force your boyfriend into watching this and at this point he is really ready to bail, but then this comes on and he is like oh..wait.

GAHHHHHH ! GAGA PUTS THE LOTION IN THE BASKET!!! (In Brian Lightenberg tape outfit)

PS, They show her with THAT PHONE AGAIN! In this get up! Where do you keep your phone in that?! (Don't answer that)

Someone bailed your ass out, lady (in vintage Mugler). I WONDER WHO?
One note on this "glove": we have taken it as far as we can haven't we, Fashion? A glove is now reduced to leather bits on just four of yr five fingers. Basta.

By the WAYYY...madonna reference #2:

SO Nikki Finn! Who's That Girl! She wears red lips and latex and studded jackets and major brows and the wardens are hired from the same Man Faced Scary Dyke casting agency.
You can't trick me, gurl. I am on to you.

See ya guys, my ride is here! It's...the Pussy Wagon? From..Kill Bill? What in the who...?
Shit gets weirdly Tarantino-ish from here, why didn't he direct this thing?????

Hi Beyonce! Sorry, "Honey Bee". Nice bangs!
They try to break down some deep shit here:
"Once you kill a cow, you gotta make a burger" and "Trust is like a mirror...something something who cares this makes no sense".
I don't know. Were you hoping I would unlock that mystery? Sors, I got nothing.

Um..you guys? Litering is really not cool.

So...now we're in a diner. And Gaga works in the kithen and takes the takeout orders from her brain with a bunch of produce queens dancing with heads of lettuce. This is the start of some sort of revenge death plot that we are never told about, where Beyonce is killing Tyrese with her d-eye-balls and a tiny bottle of poison, and Gagaloo is hosting her own Death by Sandwich Show on the bizarro Food Network.

This is the most delightful moment of the whole 985 minutes of this video.
YAY! LET'S MAKE A SANDWICH!! (Whisk maracas!)

Shades of poisoning Heather Chandler! Blue liquids (corn nuttssssssss).

Where are we? Beyonce's haus? Why? I dont know, the editing in this musical insanity is caraycray. I know you don't care, but I would love to have my hair look lke this say..EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE.

Shit, she works hard for the money! She has to waittress here too?!?
We are anothier level- Hair telephone eyepatch! Hair telephone cord! 


Hmm. maybe I'm reading too much into this (why stop now) but...

...RIGHT? SORTA? YES.

Oh right.So..he dead. And like..other people are dead. Killer sammies. Homicidal bacon. Life-taking pancakes (I am just quoting from Zagats..this place has a bad rep)

We did it! We kiled everyone! We love America! LET'S DANCE IT OUT!
Gaga looks like Daisy of Love dressed like Bret Michaels.

I HAVE COME SO FAR, YET I UNDERSTAND NOTHING.

Then they peace out. And Jai from Queer Eye is a news reporter and everyone is dead (Kalifornia? Natural Born Killers? no?)

Then they dress like bee keepers and dance in the wind.
Then they pact a pact to run far far away and never come back.
Then...

Oh my god, really?
I DON'T HAVE THE TIME!
TELL ME WHAT HAPPENS NOW!

Ten minutes and 6,000 screen captures later, what have we learned? Tell me in the comments, I am fucking spent.


thank you kylie for the screenshot heads up and thank you nicola formichetti for always posting credits on your blog.

the latest on gagalunacy

I generally do not watch the Grammys because...well because I am not my mom, a midwestern housewife or Taylor Swift's extended family.

But when Our Holy Vessel of Glitter and Pointed Objects makes an appearance, I TUNE IN.

TAVI'S TINY LIL FEATHER BOW SEEMS PRETTY REGS RIGHT ABOUT NOW, HMMM MR RED JACKET?

This was the first thing I saw when I turned on my teevee last night. I firmly believe that my entire life is better for it. 

Doesn't it seem like she is saying through her teeth "If that little asshole behind me sighs loudly and says I wish I could SEE ANYTHING one. more. TIME..."

I am also ready to offer my services as a COSTUME CLAIRVOYANT because THIS LIL ENSEMBLE from last night:

IT ALSO SORTA LOOKS LIKE SHE IS POSING AS MADONNA AT ONE OF THOSE CUT OUTS AT A CARNIVAL THAT YOU PUT YR HEAD THROUGH..ANYONE FEEL ME ON THAT?

toootally echoes the American Girl GAGA DOLL styled by me, my sister, and Darbie a few weeks ago!!

THIS WAS WAY TOO FUN TO DO

UNCANNY!

girdleloo

Attention please, everyone...WHITE LIGHTNING QUIZ TIME!

Do you have your scantrons and dixon ticonderogas at the ready? Mmkay, here we go.
What does this working gal:

...have in common with THIS workin gal?

Hint: APPARENTLY, they both love to shop at the As Seen On TV store at the Paramus Park mall.

Ok, ok, you give up?
They are both wearing...these girdles?



Yes, bloggyblogtowners. what I am telling you is that Gagaloo's costume for the AMA's is the same backfatsucker that is pictured in the above video. KYMARO x HAUS OF GAGA collaboration??

Amazing. Paging USWeekly/InStyle/ladymagseverywhere and their STAR LOOKS FOR LESS columns...Dress like Gaga for $39.99 AND look 10 pounds thinner! It's geeeenballs, really. All you need to finish it is some sort of excavated exoskeleton (free AND green!) et VOILA, you've got the LOOK.

PS, I am only half kidding about the Kymaro x Haus of Gaga collection..they could make some seriously dope bodysucking sheath situations together...some red lace bike short girdles, fake bloodsoaked bustiers, holographic bodysuits? Who knows, sky is the limit; Opening Ceremony would be all over that shit!

can't hardly wait

I will admit that I have not FULLY been convinced by Bravo's Launch My Line yet.
I feel it may just be a mater of time though, since I am a complete and utter Bravomaniac... apparently, I yet (until now) to see a show of theirs I haven't obsessed over [DEAR BRAVO EXECUTIVES, let me have my dream Ladies Lunch Roundtable with Tabatha, Kelly Cutrone & Patty Stanger? I think it would be ACES. We can call it "Love, Life & Hair: The Bitches Who Will Set Your Life Straight." Think about it, CALL ME.]

So far my biggest draw to the show is that I went to high school with Dan Karaty, who has the dubious honor of being the first person kicked off. OOOPSYYYDOOPS. Between this and The Housewives of New Jersey (which is set in Franklin Lakes, NJ, setting of my formative years) I want to say: GET OUTTA MAH HEAD, BRAVO.

But anyways.
Back to LAUNCH MY LINE.

Tonight, the (I am sorry to say but somewhat creepy) Caten Twins AKA DSquared will introduce the MUSE of the ep and of MY WHOLE LIFE, LADY GAGA.



TIME TO START TUNING IN.
Let's discuss it tomorrow.

painting the roses red

When I saw the pictures of my Lady and that lady...my first thought was, "How absolutely DEMURE, Gaga!"

And really, it strikes me as nothing but LOGICAL to dress like the Queen of Hearts/aVictorian Satan worshiper/a very sexy deflated balloon animal when meeting the Queen.

But then I thought...Hmmm, she does seem a but PLAIN...what's missing, pray tell?

AH, OF COURSE. A SHAKESPEAREAN RUFF. Clearly!
What does one do in a full latex ensemble, anyways?

This, OBVIOUSLY.

My heart just keeps growing fonder and fonder of you, Steffie.

PS, If you should so desire (and I secretly do), the Lady gets her latex from Atsuko Kudo...maybe you should too?

karma chameleon

In addition to the superiorbrainwaves which produce things such as white latex Where the Wild-er Things Are outfits, I believe that the HAUS OF GAGA has determined a way to make some sort of atomizing DNA replicant elixir...



AMA performance, H.O.G. (haahahaha) exoskeleton bodysock..Gwen Stefani head transplant?



Post-AMA CASUAL: Vint Dior Homme + MMM + H.O.G = my always favorite era of Madge- Dick Tracy/Truth or Dare 1990/1991 ? (clearly her biggest influence, mine too, I just just KEEP IT ALL INSIDE)



RaRaOhhLaLa in A. Wang glasses...channeling Carol Channing?

Dear Haus of GeeGee, please send me a sample of this fantasgreat facechanging juice.

I will take 1 oz of Empire Records-era Liv Tyler



1 oz of Bjorkitude in this picture



and a spritzer of Marianne Faithfull



UPS or FEDEX, it's cool, whatever you prefer. THEEENKSSSS,
W.L.

the day after yesterday

I was SO HIGH on yesterday's RahRahOhLaLaCaughtInABadRomance FANGIRLSPOSION, that when I rewatched the video last night (on a huge beautiful desktop screen, which does the Lady G so much more justice than my cracked out Powerbook from 2005 [life is hard]) I realized that I missed a VERY MAYJ MOMENT.

I AM MORTIFIED. Truly.

You have to understand, I was literally like a caffeinated child yesterday trying to get the post up, it caused thangs to SLIP THROUGH THE CRACK(head)S.

MAYJ 1:



Mr Bigglesworth, is that you? Why is there a hairless cat in a Bath Haus?
SIDE QUESTION: Why DO THESE THINGS EXIST at ALL?!?

MAYJ 1A: Bigglesworth headpiece



Is this her coronation as Queen of the Hairless Pussies?
(CATS, I MEAN CATS...ok no, I don't mean cats.)

Ok, that was it. Get back to work, people!

gaga, ooh la la

THIS IS IT, FRIENDS.
This is the moment.
If you love fashion, and don't love GAGALOO TOO..then you don't get the joke, you don't get the fun, you don't get the THING. You don't have to love the music (bad move) but you have to LOVE THE LOVE.

Today I watched the Lady's new video, Bad Romance and to quote Polly Mellon in Unzipped..IT CHANGED MY EYE. That is to say this shit is THE ONLY LEVEL.

This is also a pretty offish landmark for ol' Lady Gags- no more homemade couture "homage"... There is ALEXANDER MCQUEEN and it is REAL.

LET'S LET IT ALL IN:



FIRST SHOT: WE ENTER HEAVEN.
And HEAVEN looks like a Dolce & Gabbana ad! If you were wondering, I audibly GASPED when it started. I love.



Um, this is the only way to sit in a chair.



Mental note, dismantle old VCR and place parts on face, POST HASTE. [ED NOTE, eek they ARE razor blades. I am not that hardcore!] I mean, this is 30 seconds in and already 4000 mega fashion moments have happened.



But then..Que es esto, La Gaga? Nail mesh? (Is this also bizarre product placement?)

Oh, and if you were WONDERING Where the Wild Things Are?



They are here:



good grief, creeper latex Max costumes! Holy Whaaaa. WILD RUMPUS, INDEED.



Hey kids, REMIND ME TO D I for Y this kooky crown.



There is some sort of story in the vid of like..an overdose? Bad Romance indeed, Gags. This hair is neo-Frenchy-in-Grease. I want easter egg curls, i think. Anime freak eyeballs, mabes no.



Who's this guy? Is that couture headgear?



I am ready to move past this look. I call this "Hot Bod Gagalog", or "Dope Britney". it's sexxxay, but I need more. (...and more is coming, JUST YOU WAIT)



Oh hai.



PSSST i see you, MCQUEEN SHOE, I SEEEE YOUUUUU. (fashionforeshadowing!)



Sing alongggggg: I want your love and I want your revenge



I want your love, I dont wanna be friendsssssss



OK. I just got you started up, are you ready?
Ready for the MOST MAJOR MOMENT EVER?



FULL



MCQUEEN



HEAD TO MOTHERFUCKING ARMADILLO TOE !



McQUEENADILLOS!!!!!!

I mean, I CAN'T. Can you? I can't. I am so in love.
STOP THE WORLD. GAGA OWNS IT ALLLLLLL.
NO ONE can best this. NO ONE!

2 MAJOR song notes:
1. 1990s Madonna impersonation is reaching an all-time high in this jam AS IT SHOULD. She shouts, "Cuz I'm a free bitch, baby" and it sounds ZACTLY like M.
2. The french chorus at the end is hilarimazing. J'adoreeeeeeee.

There is some amazing shit at the end of the vid too- bitch shows her full ASS and sets herself on fire on a bear rug but like, after the McQueen-adillos I have nothing left. I feel like this:



I LOVE YOU, LADY GAGA.